Looks like I picked a bad year to stop ignoring the Orioles.
I've decided that my life has been too blessed and full of good things lately, so I started paying attention to the Orioles again. That should add some much needed balance to the blessing from heaven that the rest of my life has been.
There's really no point in nitpicking what is "wrong" with the Orioles, because it would take up much less space detailing what is right with them.
Due to my abundant lack of cable/satellite television service, I don't get to watch the games on tv very often. Instead I get to pretend that I am living in the 1930's by listening to the games on the radio. There are numerous benefits, I've found, to listening to the games on the radio. Primary among them is that I am able to listen to the game while doing other things, like home repair. The secondary benefit is that whenever I bash my thumb with a hammer, I don't even notice due to the pain that my ears are already in.
Baltimore has been blessed with some terrific radio announcers. Joe Angel and Fred Manfra are engaging and very enjoyable to listen to. You can tell that they love the game of baseball and the Orioles. They are in as much pain as the rest of us fans. It creates a real sense of comeraderie.
My favorite part of any sports broadcast is when the inevitable "guest sports analyst" is invited to add some color commentary. Here's how it goes...every time (Phil...read this in the voice of Harold Letterman...esteemed boxing analyst for HBO):
"OKAY, JOE! THE ORIOLES NEED TO SPEND SOME TIME GETTING BACK TO GOOD, SOUND FUNDAMENTAL BASEBALL! SOLID DEFENSE, SMART BASE RUNNING, AND JUST SCORING MORE RUNS THAN THE OTHER TEAM...THAT'S WHAT IS GOING TO WIN THIS GAME!"
In their good graces, Joe and Fred act as if Jesus Christ just descended into their booth and revealed the true meaning of the book of Revelation to them. In reality, they both just died a little bit.
So, I'm starting my own sports network. If a guest sports analyst can get paid to say those words and not get beaten up in the parking lot...I can start a sports network.
OSN. The Obvious Sports Network (copyrighted...boom!).
All sports, all day, with announcers who state the obvious...all the time!
Basketball
"Jim, what Kobe really needs to do in this situation is throw that ball in the air and make it land inside that smallish, ball-sized hoop with a net on it. That would get him points. If the team that he is on gets more "points" than their opponents, they really should win this game."
Boxing
"OH NO! Kermit just got punched! That's not what he wanted to do at all! What he should have done was punch the other guy instead of getting punched. If he keeps on getting punched instead of punching his opponent, he probably won't win this fight. We go now live, to Kermit's corner:
"(coach, speaking Spanish is being translated by an announcer) PUNCH HIM! PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE! WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS GETTING PUNCHED IN THE FACE WHEN YOU SHOULD BE PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE! OR, PUNCH HIM IN THE BODY. JUST STOP GETTING PUNCHED AND START PUNCHING HIM!"
Golf:
"(near-whisper with British accent) I have to admit I'm slightly confused by all of the clapping for Tiger after that shot. You see, Tiger's shot landed 15 feet from the hole, when he should have just hit it into the hole on the first shot. I don't understand why people clap when the players continue to hit shots that land numerous feet from the hole! If they would just hit the ball into the hole on their first shot, their scores would be so much lower...which is a good thing in golf!"
And so it goes.
Really all that sports announcers do today is figure out ways to confuse people. Why do I care how many hits Miguel Tejada got on the 3rd Monday after Labor Day each of the last 5 years? Do I need to know that Tiger shot his lowest scores only after visiting 2 mistresses in the same fortnight...but only on leap-years? Stats, stats, stats. It drives me crazy.
I say we start cutting through the crap and get down to brass tacks. OSN will tell you exactly what your favorite team needs to do to win the game, and it will have nothing to do with the kicker's percentage of disputed kicks over 47 yards during the 2nd coldest winter in the Mid-Atlantic region's recorded history (which only goes back to 1862) while in the middle of El Nino. Your team needs to do what it takes to score more points than the other team.
Let's start enjoying sports again by returning to our childlike belief that any team/boxer/golfer can win on any given night, with good old fashioned elbow grease and a "can do" attitude.
That's the stuff of life.
H.S. Jr.
"OKAY, JOE! THE ORIOLES NEED TO SPEND SOME TIME GETTING BACK TO GOOD, SOUND FUNDAMENTAL BASEBALL! SOLID DEFENSE, SMART BASE RUNNING, AND JUST SCORING MORE RUNS THAN THE OTHER TEAM...THAT'S WHAT IS GOING TO WIN THIS GAME!"
In their good graces, Joe and Fred act as if Jesus Christ just descended into their booth and revealed the true meaning of the book of Revelation to them. In reality, they both just died a little bit.
So, I'm starting my own sports network. If a guest sports analyst can get paid to say those words and not get beaten up in the parking lot...I can start a sports network.
OSN. The Obvious Sports Network (copyrighted...boom!).
All sports, all day, with announcers who state the obvious...all the time!
Basketball
"Jim, what Kobe really needs to do in this situation is throw that ball in the air and make it land inside that smallish, ball-sized hoop with a net on it. That would get him points. If the team that he is on gets more "points" than their opponents, they really should win this game."
Boxing
"OH NO! Kermit just got punched! That's not what he wanted to do at all! What he should have done was punch the other guy instead of getting punched. If he keeps on getting punched instead of punching his opponent, he probably won't win this fight. We go now live, to Kermit's corner:
"(coach, speaking Spanish is being translated by an announcer) PUNCH HIM! PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE! WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS GETTING PUNCHED IN THE FACE WHEN YOU SHOULD BE PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE! OR, PUNCH HIM IN THE BODY. JUST STOP GETTING PUNCHED AND START PUNCHING HIM!"
Golf:
"(near-whisper with British accent) I have to admit I'm slightly confused by all of the clapping for Tiger after that shot. You see, Tiger's shot landed 15 feet from the hole, when he should have just hit it into the hole on the first shot. I don't understand why people clap when the players continue to hit shots that land numerous feet from the hole! If they would just hit the ball into the hole on their first shot, their scores would be so much lower...which is a good thing in golf!"
And so it goes.
Really all that sports announcers do today is figure out ways to confuse people. Why do I care how many hits Miguel Tejada got on the 3rd Monday after Labor Day each of the last 5 years? Do I need to know that Tiger shot his lowest scores only after visiting 2 mistresses in the same fortnight...but only on leap-years? Stats, stats, stats. It drives me crazy.
I say we start cutting through the crap and get down to brass tacks. OSN will tell you exactly what your favorite team needs to do to win the game, and it will have nothing to do with the kicker's percentage of disputed kicks over 47 yards during the 2nd coldest winter in the Mid-Atlantic region's recorded history (which only goes back to 1862) while in the middle of El Nino. Your team needs to do what it takes to score more points than the other team.
Let's start enjoying sports again by returning to our childlike belief that any team/boxer/golfer can win on any given night, with good old fashioned elbow grease and a "can do" attitude.
That's the stuff of life.
H.S. Jr.
